Friday, November 6, 2009

My husband is one of THOSE ministers...


I must admit it...he keeps the church in foot bondage a lot! Those lovely words, "You may be seated" NEVER enter into his thought process!

The congregation just stands and waits patiently, but nothing is ever said. Have you been in a church service where this happens? You haven't??? Oh, prepared if you visit our church. I want you to be ready. I'll break it down for you. Here's what happens when you find yourself standing on your feet forever in the middle of our church service...

"Could we all stand?" (Come a sport and stand up so you get the feeling of my frustration a little!)

1st minute
Awesome, we’re standing up. Time to get the blood flowing again and wake up. I really needed a break from sitting here on this pew. Then immediately I start to wonder if I'm gonna be asked to greet my neighbor, shake hands with a visitor, clap my hands, jump up and down, and wave my arms like I'm doing some new form of Pilates? Who knows...seriously, some strange things run through his brain when he first ask us to stand! It's like that moment of suspense in the worst horror story ever...we just never know what's about to be requested of us!

3rd minute
Surely the stand up part is officially over and everyone is standing...but maybe I’m wrong. Maybe we’re about to do something else that requires me to be up and out of my seat? I guess I need to stay standing? Well, I’ll give this another minute or two...

4th minute.
Oh, DEAR LORD, I think my sweetheart just launched into his sermon without letting us all know we can sit down now. Doesn’t he notice we are still standing? I mean, there surely are enough of us standing that he notices it. He sees that, right? Is he already in his sermon? Is it possible he wants us to stand the entire time? The whole HOUR??? No way, there is no way this is happening.”

5th minute.
I am seriusly thinking about just sitting down, but I don’t want to be the unruly, disrespectful, disobedient one who sits while everyone else remains standing. I am not willing to look like I love God or my husband 50% less than everyone else who is choosing to remain standing. I’m just not going to do that...UNLESS he continues on past another two minutes.

7th minute
Maybe, just maybe if I sit down slowly...would that be so bad? What if I just gently lowered myself to the pew over a period of 30 seconds? If I go too fast he might actually see me and call me out from the pulpit. That would stink. He’d probably say, ‘Can we not stand in the presence of God for just a few moments?’ And then I would have to die of embarassment.

8th minute
Seriously??? Eight minutes and we are still standing here...UNNOTICED by the pulpit??? By this time I am thnking, Would God strike me with a bolt of lightning if I pretended to be slain in the spirit so that I could just sit somewhere, somehow, someway?

10th minute
THANK YOU, JESUS!!! Sweet release! Some bold member just sat down and started a tidal wave of derrieres crashing into seats. That, my friend, is a true next generation leader!

DISCLAIMER: I'm not mad at my husband...not at all. I'm just being my usual crazy self. I secretly think he's the most awesome man on this earth.


Alexis said...

You've never been to our church. Ten minutes is nothing!!!

And you obviously don't know another preacher friend of ours. None of his church members are bold enough to just sit on their own, and so if the pastor forgets, the whole church stands for the entire sermon! Ha!!!

Debra said...

Ok Carol, that was had me chuckling and picturing this, as I read your play by play. This has never happened to me, but now I will be prepared if I ever visit your church. lol Of course, now don't get the idea that my husband is perfect just because he remembers to tell the congregation to be seated....I have plenty of other funny stories that I could relate to you, but I think I will spare him this time. hahaha

Carol Kennon said...

Thanks for the warning, Alexis. lol
Oh, Debra...I'd love to hear some of your stories. Most of the really funny stories my husband FORBIDS me to share on here.