Sometimes we wait for weeks to find out something and then, the moment you know, you wish you could just go back to the waiting.
That's where I'm at tonight. My heart is heavy, my mind is tired, my eyes are blurred, yet sleep won't come and overtake my tired body. I sit here wide awake, wishing I had the power to turn back time, or better yet, the power to change the future.
We have waited for the last two weeks on a doctor's report for a family member who had surgery. In the last two weeks, I have called mom a million times probably and asked for any news, I've prayed and tried my best to stay positive and hope for the best, yet tonight as my husband and I were on the way home from celebrating our 22 wedding anniversary, the phone call that I had been dreading came.
The doctors report is that they got all the tumor, but that the cancer is still present in another organ of the body, and there's not much the doctors can do. My next question was, "So, where do we go from here? What's next?"
Mom was silent on the other end of the phone, so I knew that she didn't have the answers I was looking for. What I do know is that I believe in miracles...and I'm waiting on one right now. The human side of me crys out "God, we can't stand to lose another family member to this disease. We can't take much more loss. We can't keep holding on strong under these circumstances. We can't just sit here and wait this one out."
What I do know is that God is in control...ultimately! He knows the why's and how's and where's and who's of our lives. I know that nothing takes God by surprise. It's only human of me to want to live a life without anymore heartaches or pain. But, it's life...and in life we get hurt, we go through things we don't want to go through. What I must remember is that I am one of God's own. He created me in His image. He does not expect me to pretend that the pain of the situation is not real. It's okay if I cry...
One thing I know is that tears are a language that God understands. So for tonight, I'm just gonna let HIM hold me while I cry. Tomorrows another day...I'll face it with more strength after I spend the night in the arms of a God who understands where I am.